Darling I don’t know why I go to extremes
Too high or too low there ain’t no in-betweens
And if I stand or I fall
It’s all or nothing at all
Humanity has been restored, to some extent. Perhaps it’s a change in chemicals, combined with alternating circumstances. No matter how purposeless or meaningless life seems, at times, there is always a reason to make an effort.
Meaning is, afterall, a result of what we choose, what we make. Meaning, purpose. Ambiguous words that are only defined by our actions and responses to circumstances. Having determination amidst the confusing maze of life can become a tedious element to maintain, but ultimately one must always account for variable change. Not everything goes exactly according to plan, and for the inflexible, a sudden, unexpected change will redner recklessness and a feeling of life falling apart.
Suppose in some sense, much time and energy has been solely focused on “holding it together” and keeping the wheels on the rails. In a sense, perhaps this extended summer has been a time of calming down, and in drifting into what would seem like nothingness, a sense of self is slowly being rediscovered.
I phrase it as such, because people don’t change, behaviour does. And in being “rediscovered,” one simply implies that it is a self that never ceased to exist, rather has been chosen to manifest and a variation of forms. To quote the beloved Oscar Wilde, “man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.“
Throughout the years, psychological and behaviuoral experiments have rendered themselves scattered remains of success and failure combined. Success at being a failure; failure to become success. But this is not to say that one is entirely defeated, for success only comes as a result of failed experiments.
Perhaps this is a new phase in life, a new “experiment.” Perhaps it’s an initiation of rediscovery – to rediscover a secret once remembered, but chosen to be forgotten. A truth once hidden, but now revealed. With a decent and genuine incentive, it is – I choose to believe – possible to maintain a perfect balance between the two. Where to draw the line, and whether or not to set a boundary… This is all simply a question of how far is too far?
As stated above, failed experiments often lead to insight – which chemicals to avoid, which routes lead to darkness. Thus, drawing the line becomes easier as time passes, as one chooses to embrace experience rather than being weighed down by it. As one chooses to accept rather than suppress; to confront rather than accept.
To strike, rather than become defeated.
And to become, rather than to simply be.